2008

MAP and Kinesiology
GETTING A "HAND"-LE ON CONTROL

I used to think I knew with total certainty what my MAP team wanted me to do. As I write this story, January 2007 is ending, my one-year MAP anniversary has just passed and things no longer seem so certain.

I am not a person who tolerates Christmas well and as this last one approached, I started to feel my familiar pain. I come from a painfully broken family. I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and, in addition, I am a recovering addict. I struggle with feelings. But this Christmas, having the spiritual support of my MAP team, things felt different, more hopeful. Then one day, it occurred to me that my MAP team'or some other Perelandra tool could help me with each and every problem that I had. I made up my own Troubleshooting List that included every Perelandra tool I had at hand. I opened a MAP coning, told them I wanted help with my PTSD and then tested my Troubleshooting List. Using kinesiology I discerned their answer. I needed two Calibration Processes a week to address the symptoms of my depression. I began immediately and my efforts delivered great results. The sense of dread or of a weight pulling me down seemed to disappear like magic. I was euphoric to make it so easily through Christmas.

Like every addict, if a little is good, a lot is better. Somewhere around Boxing Day, I asked my team if I should add more sessions to address my other problems. Although my sinking feeling was gone, I still had my anxiety and my dissociation. On their instruction, I added a weekly Calibration Process for anxiety and three sessions for dissociation. The next day we added a weekly MAP session for my back pain and a daily MAP session for my allergies. My team reassured me that I needed this many sessions because I had a lot of health problems. It crossed my mind that my team must see me as special to have me on such a regimen, then I inquired about what was needed for my headaches. I was told daily Microbial Balancing Program sessions and so we added twice weekly MBP general balancing for my compromised immune system. All these sessions weren't taking up too much of my energy because unlike my old sessions, during these new "prevention" sessions, I did not need to talk. I checked with my dog's Nature Healing team and got a schedule for her as well and then I wrote out all our sessions on my new 2007 calendar for a whole year. I had been told that I would have to do this schedule forever due to the chronic nature of my health problems. The "forever" idea heightened to something akin to danger inside me, and it felt exciting. I remember fantasizing that I would be so well that I would find a wonderful boyfriend who might find my frequent sessions strange, but he would be pleased with my radiant health.

As the days passed, a niggling doubt haunted me. A few days into my frequent sessions I called the Perelandra Question Line and talked to Jeannette. I told her what I was doing and even reminded her of my beginning days with the Microbial Balancing Program when every venture required fifty charts and even more triangles. She said, no, that I was doing too much, and that my team would never say "forever." I got off the phone, checked in with my MAP team and was immediately reassured that I was going to get better by carrying on with our plan. I was forging new ground instead of being in my usual role of follower. A few days later I found myself nervously preparing to face my addiction group. I was nervous because they tend to frown on the overuse of anything. I sat on my bed, connected with my MAP team and wrote to them in my journal.

I wrote that I wanted to get better and that I wanted to be a working artist again. I wrote that everything would be good if I just did all the sessions I had written in my calendar. Then something broke through in my brain. I heard, "No!" I answered back, "But you want me to do all these sessions." "No," they said. I started to cry. I felt like such a fool. What was strange was that for the days that I was doing the constant sessions, I checked in often with my team to make sure I was doing the right thing. I got a consistent "yes." On this night, with just one "no" from my team, I had clarity. I realize now that I hear my team more when they volunteer the information than when I ask. I went to bed filled with shame. I felt like I had had the best boyfriend in the world and I just found out he didn't love me and he was leaving me. This was right after Christmas, the hardest time of the year for me in terms of family pain. I remembered reading about how MAP teams just wait and do nothing through the unneeded sessions.* It felt horrible that they had done that with me. Even though I knew that I had manufactured the sick instructions in my head, I felt that they could have stopped me before I made such a fool of myself. I later faced my addiction group and told all. I knew that my pain, which felt like rejection, was out of proportion.

As the days passed, if a headache or back pain cropped up, I would test with kinesiology to see if I needed a MAP session. Every time, whether with a coning open or not, my kinesiology read "no." Finally one day, with a migraine headache and a kinesiology "no," I decided to go ahead and have a MAP session anyway. I was horribly ashamed to face my team, but as the session started I knew that to have the session had been right and that my kinesiology had been wrong.

My kinesiology was not working, and I was being stubborn about not asking for help. When I finally broke down and asked my team for help, I cried through the whole thing. It felt like I was grieving over a broken relationship with my MAP team, but I wasn't. I was really grieving over my broken family and the painful Christmas I had endured. After the session, even though my kinesiology felt no more effective, I felt close to my team again. That session was just like my old sessions, with me talking and working things out. I came away knowing that my problem was about faith.

I called the Perelandra Question Line and "fessed up." Jeannette said something very helpful: that she doesn't use kinesiology for any question she is attached to. Instead, she opens up her MAP coning, tells them everything and then waits for the answer to come to her. I started doing the same and found it helpful. I had a lot of questions as I was throwing out many of my plans from the past, plans that were made using my team and kinesiology. Discerning the answers has not been easy. Maybe answers are coming to me, and I just can't see them. Maybe I am too impatient. My old therapist used to say, there are no wrong decisions, just some that cause us more pain.

As I look back on my mishap, I see myself as a person who was using control while masquerading it as surrender to a higher power. I did as I wished, believing the guidance had come from my MAP team. Here is an example. During the last year I had employed every Perelandra tool available for health, except the Seasonal Solution. My team said I did not need it. As my community got sick this winter, I asked again. The kinesiology read "no." When my close friends became sick and I grew frightened, I called the Perelandra Question Line. I asked about how to protect myself with the Microbial Balancing Program. "Start the Seasonal Solution," I was told. But my team still said "no." I can see now that I was skewing the kinesiology, but why? Why would I use all the Perelandra tools and hold back on one thing? Why was I not noticing the inconsistency in my kinesiology results? Now I understand why. I did not want to give up all my control. I ordered the Seasonal Solution but got sick before it arrived. I am learning that I need to take a closer look at what partnership with nature means.

One of my old decisions that I am revisiting is whether to return to my chiropractor. I gave him up with the arrival of my flower essences last June. My team said I did not need him anymore. Today when I asked, my kinesiology was inconsistent and so was the little voice I hear that has been my kinesiology backup. I recently have been able to feel my subluxations being corrected during my MAP sessions, but my back still hurts. It always has. I want my team to tell me what to do. I think they are. They are saying that I need to find the answer myself.

As I write I feel fear. This mistake has not just been about my Christmas Perelandra binge; it has been about seeing the truth of the fragility in my communication with my MAP team. It is about my vulnerability in wishing to be looked after and perhaps wishing to be anywhere but where I am. I am afraid of being alone in this big world. I am afraid of finding out that my team is not there at all. I am afraid of more loss.

My MAP sessions are hard now. I am having trauma flashbacks again, difficult ones. During one particularly hard MAP session, I sensed a hand coming out and touching my arm. It was a member of my team who helps me with my sexual abuse trauma. Since all this has happened, I can sense my team more and so I feel closer to them.

What have I learned? I have learned that I am still acting out in dependency with my team; I don't need them open to take my flower essences, even if they are telegraphed. My team wants me to think more for myself. And my kinesiology is better now, not worse. I say this because my team is now more often able to break through my wall of control. In the end, I did not use my MAP team to decide whether or not to return to my chiropractor; instead I asked my body. I used to do this before I ever got my MAP team. I lay down, relaxed and focused on my body. Then I asked, "Body, do you want to go to the chiropractor?" I felt a surge of sad emotions but good emotions swirling around inside of me, and I thought that it would be really good for me to go. So I am going back to the chiropractor.

My kinesiology will settle down as I settle down. I have faith that it will. I always do get better.

— D.S., Canada

* Editor's Note: MAP teams will work with you to get you back on track at times like these.