1998-99

Microbial Balancing Program
OLD WOUNDS, NEW SOLUTION

I used the Microbial Balancing Program to process a very old, yet very present, emotional issue. I thought about sitting down to write about it, but "I didn't want to go there." Ugh! Not again. I had committed myself to doing the processes to get rid of the feelings of abandonment and separation anxiety, of feeling unworthy (I had been dating my boss). These feelings began as a child raised by an emotionally unavailable father. I entered most relationships with an obsessive need to serve. My ability to be intimate fluctuated between wanting to be close to someone but somehow making that person feel responsible for me and my feelings, to wanting to pull away and abandon them before they abandoned me.

One definition for this is Love Addiction. Another is co-dependence. I fit the textbook case in both of these definitions. I became involved with a man who was emotionally unavailable. They are attractive to me — familiar — a sense of going back home to Dad. Always seeking, but rarely getting, this man's attention. The man being an Avoidance Addict — someone who avoids the intimacy of relationship through their addiction of choice. The man I was involved with was a work addict. So whenever he felt I was getting too close to him, he retreated back into work. I began to work with him to get closer to him and then I was doubly dependent on him — for my self-worth and my salary.

Historically, not all the men I became involved with followed this scenario. Sometimes, I was the Avoidance Addict. But whichever role I chose, there was a dynamic in place that caused personal suffering for both. Both of us were drawn to each other because of the emotional dynamics that played out in our childhoods. The man who is engulfed by his mother is attracted to the woman who was abandoned by her father. The woman becomes the engulfing mother, the man becomes the abandoning father. How familiar! How tragic! Either gender can adopt either role. But how utterly hopeless this relationship is unless one or preferably both people get help. Even after I became aware of the roles he and I played, and spoke of these various scenarios with a therapist and wrote about it endlessly in my writing class, I was still feeling overwhelmed by painful feelings of abandonment when we decided to separate.

I went off and found other work but I was filled with feelings of loss and hurt and anger that stayed with me for months. And I longed to have him back despite the pain and frustration involved. Not being able to let go of the sadness and longing led me to think of how the Microbial Balancing Program worked on other more obvious bodily annoyances. I had eliminated a five-year fungal problem on my chest and back in just a few weeks.

I was very new to kinesiology and all of the Perelandra Essences. Physically, I was thin, but in good shape from working outside for the last year and a half, fit and strong. And I had always been vigilant as to my diet, but that was, in some ways, a compensation for the intense pain I experienced in relationships. I knew that my body had to hold up the crumbling emotional being inside. So I thought if the Microbial Balancing Program can dissipate this very real, tough fungal problem (that my dermatologist said would take another five years of cream applications to eliminate and "even then I can't be sure it will work . . . there are a lot of other factors involved . . . "), I thought "could it take a chunk out of 40 years of abandonment issues?" Couldn't hurt to try. Talk about throwing nature the works. I approached the emotional problem as I did the fungal. I must say that as I looked down the Microbial Balancing chart, I knew I was making a commitment to something that might actually put a dent in the sadness and loneliness I have lived with most of my life. And there was a part of me that did not want to let go of the pain. There can be a beauty in our own sadness that becomes almost like an old friend over time, and sometimes it, the sadness, is a link to intimacy with ourselves, and I was afraid that if I lost the sadness, there would be nothing left, having known little else in recent years. But from doing a few MAP sessions, I discovered that I would often laugh through my tears and knew I was capable of great joy and merriment, and that maybe there was a whole world inside me I have forgotten about or not explored at all. And maybe this very practical program would help me open up different parts of myself.

So I followed the directions, the instructions, the manual, knowing I'm the person they write the "______ for Dummies" books for. I started the chart on May 14, 1998. After "Identify/Describe Issue" I wrote, "Feelings of abandonment, feelings of less-than, separation anxiety from men, feeling unable to do self-care around issues of employment and money, giving my power over to others, feeling victimized." Even as I write this I feel sick at how crappy I felt emotionally back then. I tested "yes" on the microbes needing balancing. I tested for viruses and fungi and I tested that they needed to be tested and treated separately. So I filled out two charts, one for viruses and one for fungi. I tested to see which one I should work on first and then tested down the list of processes on each to see which ones I needed to do. At this point, I decided to open up a Perelandra Organizing Process coning on this issue, but this was an afterthought. I often plunge into things without thinking. I wrote the same issue at the top of the Organizing Process chart, and I added "not sleeping well" and substituted the man's name instead of "men." Let's get specific here, I thought. I figured nature might notice the discrepancy on the two charts and lump him in with any other men from my past.

This is where I saw an idiosyncrasy of mine. I try to fool myself or others by saying a half-truth or not the whole truth because I am afraid to present my real self even to nature for fear of hearing back, "What a basket case! We can't handle all this stuff!" At one point in doing the work, I envisioned Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, hanging her head in disappointment as she laments, "There's nothing in that black bag for me." I mean, how was nature going to balance out this forty-year mess? What I learned was that no matter how pathetic I think I am, if I begin to use the same energy I put into being miserable into the Microbial Balancing Program, I can move through mountains of stuff. I discovered I was a pretty resourceful and strong person; my energy had just been going into self-destructive thinking. But it was not just the redirection of energy that created such a dramatic transformation for me.

It took me from 5/14 to 5/30 to complete my last follow-up solution for Step One on the Organizing Process chart. And it took from 6/1 to 6/30 to finish Step Two. Step Three only took one day and Step Four only one day. My last process was on 7/2 with a follow-up solution that ended on 7/13. So from 5/14 to 7/13, I spent two months doing processes almost every day. The amazing transformation that occurred in me during this two months made me approach every session with relish. I don't mean it was easy, but with each process, I experienced a deeper sense of self-intimacy. On the day I would finish a solution, or 24 hours after a MAP or MAP/Calibration session, I would wake up in the morning with an insight into what happened to me and why. It filled me with such rich feelings of empathy and love and compassion for myself and others involved in my life, and in particular, this issue. I also felt anger, rage, disappointment and hurt, but my tears always felt healing, and I welcomed them. I would often laugh in sessions and crack myself up. Over time, and in such a relatively short time, I began to experience a bodily sensation of groundedness and a strong sense of self I had never experienced before. I discovered a world inside myself that I had shut down emotionally out of the belief that what I needed was outside myself. I had been going through most of my life with a distorted view that what was inside me were remnants of people in my past and that I had become a version of them. But what I discovered was a resourceful, humorous, intelligent woman who was a joy to be with. I have come to understand the amazing healing ability that is within me if I choose to access it. The Microbial Balancing Program gave me the ever-so-practical tools that helped me resolve this particular issue and as a nice added side benefit, helped me unlock the mystery of who I was. Not all of who I am is fantastic, but I accept who I am now, which is a miracle in itself. As I describe these thoughts and feelings, I most want to convey how deeply I sensed a physical grounding and a return of strength as the program progressed — as if the emotional part of me was no longer knocking me off balance. Everything that I experienced and gained insight about came when I felt very safe, and it registered in my body physically in a very real sense along with my insight. And that is how I knew that these processes were having a serious effect. Sometimes I will consciously dwell in sadness, as a reminder of where I've been, but there is a healthy distance to the sadness, a sense of detachment, as if I am observing myself. I am no longer overwhelmed by my emotional center. There is a feeling, a very real sensation of being stable and in balance, literally, physically, emotionally, mentally and, with this, I have become more able to be aware of the world inside me. I guess that's the spiritual. I am always inside myself as well as outside in the world. A huge integration occurred that I feel can never be separated. I feel whole for the first time in my life, connected, inside and out, and whatever happens to me, no circumstance can sever that connection, it is so strong. I may be knocked off balance temporarily, momentarily, but I sense it immediately. It is no longer a mystery as to how I got from balance to imbalance and back again. I notice quite quickly when that balance is being tampered with. This is a safe feeling, and it is worth the time and effort it takes to do the processes. No one and no situation can ever take that away once you experience it. And I find I will do whatever it takes to preserve the balance as soon as possible. When I carve out time to do nature work, I say to myself, "I'm in a meeting." A meeting about my life. I have to take this meeting. Who knows where I'll end up without it. This work is about self-intimacy. It's not as scary as you think. I have the Munsters inside me. Sometimes, the Wicked Witch of the West. I was afraid to go inside and look at the cast of characters. But when I did go inside, I found they were less horrible than I thought, they had a sense of humor and warmth, and many more sides. I was Marilyn (the normal Munster) as well as Herman Munster (the not-so-normal one). I wasn't all bad. It actually made sense, everything that I was. And when your past makes sense, it's easier to be in the present and it's a pleasure to imagine the future.

— B.F., Massachusettes